The Last Time

Tomorrow, my littlest man will wake up as a big 11-month-old.
Tonight was probably the last time nursing will be a part of our bedtime routine.
Tomorrow morning will probably be the last time I ever nurse a baby.

This is the longest I have ever nursed and more than anything, I am thankful.

Thankful that God has given me the ability to nurse 4 beautiful children for a total of 41 1/2 months.

Thankful that God has allowed us to farm and produce healthy, raw milk to give my kids as they wean.

Thankful for my devoted husband who faithfully milks our goats twice a day for 8 months out of the year to provide nourishment for our family.

It is still bittersweet, though.

I know I will never, barring Divine intervention, birth another child, and therefore never nurse another sweet baby.

As my littlest man has decided to cram all of his milestones into this month - walking, talking, weaning, adding teeth, pushing up to standing in the middle of the floor - I keep telling time to Please Slow Down!  I can't take this growing up stuff!

And it's not just the baby.  As a dear friend reminded me this week, my oldest is almost halfway to being an adult.  This sweet child that made me a mother.  She had the audacity to get halfway grown in the blink of an eye!

I'm sitting here in tears because I'm torn.  Do I take milk production enhancers to squeeze just a little more time out?  Or do I accept that having to take allergy meds (that reduce production) along with a quickly dwindling supply is just the way it is?  That I've had enough warning to prepare myself for this part of our journey to be over.

How many times have I been exasperated because he needed to nurse again.  Ah, Time.  She is a cruel mistress.

I'm so thankful that tonight when I gave G his supplemental bottle after he nursed that he didn't want to just hold it like usual.  He still wanted to snuggle with Mommy.  Like he knew I needed it, probably more than he needed that bottle.

Oh, God!  This is so hard.  Watching time pass by is so much harder than the daily frustrations that perturb me.  I'm not ready!  I'm not ready for my babies to grow up!  I'm not ready to be out of this phase of my life!

That's all I have.  No sweet wrap-up.  No moral.  Just tears and prayers tonight.