I have a dear friend that is battling crazy postpartum hormones. I have been trying to visit with her on a regular basis to help her not feel so alone (since it's easy to feel alone out here in the country).
On one of these occasions, she lamented that she felt bad because she wasn't spending time with her older two kids. On another occasion, she asked me how I play with my older kids or otherwise keep them busy.
I felt a teeny pang of guilt. My middle two watch PBS. A lot. Especially more than I want to admit publicly. (The TV is on a lot, but my kids don't really watch it all that much, it's really on because my 4-year-old can't tell time, but is my anxious child. He knows our schedule based on what show is on. I highly recommend this method for anxious children. It truly created peace in our home!) Besides TV, I rarely get down on the floor and play with them, though I do love to go and see what kind of things my son has constructed and see my younger daughter's latest performance. Should I feel guilty?
I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. The definition of Mom-Guilt.
I started thinking about it and I realized that I am not going to go monitor my kids' playtime. Yes, I am making an intentional effort to build relationships with each of my kids individually and altogether, but that isn't the only job I have here.
It's all about relationships.
I want my kids to be best friends. If not besties, then at least close. I want them to want to get together when they've moved out of the house. I want them to go to their siblings for advice when they just can't come to Mom and Dad yet. I want them to tell their sibs about their latest crush before they bring him/her home to Meet the Parents.
This kind of relationship takes time. Time together after lights out. Time when the other kids are busy with school. Time when Mom and Dad are busy with farm chores.
So, why would I go run referee and potentially damage that relationship building process? No, I will let them play together, fight together, learn to work together. I choose to not feel guilty about leaving them to their own imaginations. I choose to let them play with the only other people in this house that are experts at being kids - because that's what I want my kids to be! I don't need to make my kids' childhood magical. If I leave them to their imaginations, it already is!
This brings up some other, more controversial points. Extra-curriculars. Especially for us homeschool families. We must enroll in extra-curriculars for socialization. Our children will not be socialized if they do not interact with other children.
If you've been around the homeschool block a while, you know that argument is a load of poo. First of all, most importantly, society is made up of all different ages and types of people, therefore socialization should be teaching children how to interact with all types of people, not just people their own age. Along those lines, my kids interact with society pretty much everywhere - the grocery store, co-op, church, all other errands... - without picking up all those nasty habits kids in classrooms tend to pick up from their peers.
So where does this leave us on extra-curriculars? Well, I say let your kids pursue their interests, but not to the detriment of their relationships with their family.
True Story: My little brother is a punk. The End.
Haha, just kidding. Well, not about the punk part.... He is a punk, always has been. Typical, annoying little brother. If you've read Dr. Leman's Birth Order Book, he perfectly fits the "first-born male/baby" scenario. But, once we were old enough to stay home alone during the summer, I have some amazing memories of us. It was like, if we were forced to stay indoors and endure each other, we might as well make the most of it. We built elaborate spy hide-outs, police academies, we ate at our own 'diner' everyday for lunch. It was a ball. My dad remembers bits of it, and I know he loved that we played together (for once), but David and I lived it. But once school started, extra-curriculars were in full gear, we were back to being enemies.
I look back now that we are estranged and my childhood family has basically dissolved, and I would have given up every ballet class, every friend from school, every 'character building' activity just to be able to call my brother and hang out, reminiscing about the 'old days.' I would give anything for that. Just to call him up and talk. For him to teach my kids the art of building a super-secret-spy-computer out of cardboard. To tell the story over and over of how he once was so distraught he wasn't a girl that he asked me to make him a ponytail out of paper to wear taped to his head. (David, if that story gets back to you, serves you right, punk. Call your sister.)
Your kids are the only people who will know what it's like growing up in your house. And someday that will mean a lot more than some 'enrichment' activity.
It's all about relationships. Make sure you're allowing your kids to build ones that matter.
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