Raising R - insight into the life of a strong-willed child's mother

For those of you that do not know my daughter, or do not know her well, this might be a little shocking. R, who will be 3 in September, is a strong-willed child. Daddy and I have figured out that she gets her stubborness from him, and her defiance from me. Put together is a very dangerous combination, for us anyways. Daddy and I are both ultimate pleasers, Daddy's stubborness pushes him to go beyond status quo and pursue what is right, my defiance lies under the radar and crumbles at even a sideways glance. R, however, doesn't seem to care either way. She is a pleaser, but it's confusing for me on how it will eventually play out. It seems right now that her pleaser nature is only evident when it's what SHE wants to do, and if what we want her to do doesn't coincide with what she wants to do, she reverts to her stubborn/defiant state. Needless to say, this is difficult for us. R only pushes those that she knows the boundaries, mainly, us. So to 99% of the outside world, she is an absolute angel. When in reality, I'm pretty sure she's an undercover agent on an intellegence op, planning her moves very carefully.

Her latest endevours that rattle us are lying and playing Daddy and me against each other. She loves to ask me for something and when I say 'No,' she goes and asks Daddy. Daddy has learned to tell her to ask me, not because he doesn't want to give an answer, but because she'll typically 'fess' up at this point.

I can always tell when I get to a low spot because I start devouring books. This morning was just one of those times. I wake up to R, in bed with me, crying. Not bawling "I-got-hurt" or "I'm-scared" crying, just gentle crying. I ask her what's wrong, and she won't answer me. 2 or 3 times I ask her what's wrong, still nothing but quiet sobs. So, I ask her to go to her room until she can let me know what's wrong. It may seem harsh, until you deal with the Master Manipulator yourself. This is a typical power play for her to get attention, when in reality, we always have our morning snuggle/playtime/makeover together. So she goes to her room and begins the tantrum. She eventually drags herself out of her room and starts the tantrum at my door. So I take her back to her room, and in the process, discover that she has peed all over the floor of her room. This is after I asked her 3 times while she was in my bed if she needed to go potty. And, of course, I'm out of carpet cleaner. So I do my best to clean it up, and steam the carpet and she gets a little swat for the pee (a defiance 'accident' if I ever saw one) and she had to stay in her room longer until she was done throwing a fit. She finished that fit, I layed clothes out for her, and she began another one because she didn't want to wear clothes. More time-out. Time for breakfast. I pulled out a book I got over a month ago and hadn't had a chance to read. I think God does that kind of stuff to us. He waits until I'm desperate before reminding me about something I should read, someone I should call, somewhere I should go. So, I pick up this book, Have a New Kid By Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. It's an excellent book and very action oriented and goes well with Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. I have finished about 60% of it so far this morning and I have really enjoyed it. I'm hoping that it will change our relationship. I feel like sometimes I'm a horrible mom because I spend all day disciplining R and at the end of the day, when I have help (Daddy), I'm too exhausted to care.

So far, the book has seemed to work this morning. R wanted to play a game with her cards and I sat down with her to play. We are learning the letter "P" this week and I found that card and we began playing, except R wasn't playing. She wanted me to answer all the questions I was asking her. So I told her that we wouldn't play with the cards if she didn't want to play, but we could do something else instead. She lost it and threw a tantrum. I pulled her into her room, and took a shower, locking the bathroom door. Let me tell you, when she tried to come find me and found the door locked, she lost it again, BUT, it made it so when I was done with my shower, I could communicate with her without distraction. She couldn't take advantage of the fact that I was incapacitated. I then asked her to pick up her books in the living room and she refused, so I took them away. That's happened plenty of times before, but she then asked if she could watch a movie and I told her no. She asked why, and I explained that watching a movie was something she gets to do when she listens to mommy and doesn't throw fits. It kinda threw her off her game a bit, losing a routine like that. So, in a way, I think I'm on top for now. We'll see how it goes. In the last 30 minutes, she's been a little more cautious about what she says and does. I'm hoping it lasts. I want her to take me seriously, for both of our sakes.

Who knew raising kids was going to be so hard?

**UPDATE** I finished the book, and decided to take a 'couple' of the points that I thought applied to me and put them on the fridge so I could quickly refer to them. I found a little more than a 'couple.' I made a 
matching set to go in the bathroom.